I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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