There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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