No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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