I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
