Can i not drive my cunt home
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
