what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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