Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
