Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
