Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
