well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
