I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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