If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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