I accidentally had phone sex last night
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize