So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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