A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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