omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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