____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Terrible idea I love it
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize