i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize