There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
