So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
