you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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