apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
