becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
