there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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