so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize