what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
