Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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