if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
