I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
