Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize