just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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