Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
