wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
