I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
