Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize