Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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