Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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