I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
