Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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