Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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