We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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