I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
