Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
