drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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