Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
