Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
