Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
