i was born a porn star she said
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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