you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
