so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
