I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We have started to decorate penises.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
