Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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