hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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