i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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