i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize