I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize