When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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