remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
