ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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