I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
