You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize