he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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