I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
