I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
