she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
