I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
