I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
