Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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