weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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