My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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