Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
