Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
