bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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